bracelet and topshop underwear and PORRIGE.

so it's been... 10 months. and i am. happy. generally very delighted and all that.

only i find myself still holding back when something's wrong. i can't say it. i can't say anything, because i don't want to fight. and we all know how that works out.

oh heart, sometimes i wish we had the same mind. then we would understand perfectly.

you are my star.

THIS IS A VERY BAD IDEA. not talking. is a bad idea. he kept insisting it was for the best, and i wanted to scream CAN'T YOU SEE WE NEED EACH OTHER YOU IDIOT but he wouldn'tve wanted that, he never lets me tell him anything anymore. and i kept thinking BUT YOU PROMISED BUT YOU PROMISED ME. i can't decide whether to believe that he's doing it because he loves us or hates me. i hope he doesn't hate me. i'd be broken hearted. more than i already am i mean. oh well. it's what you want isn't it. i know this is hard for you too.

but a part of me can't help going, why won't you let me say all the things i want to say? what are we so afraid of.

:(

couldn't you be proud of me? just this once?

you know what frightens me? the thought that no one will ever love me really. i'm too damaged. too complicated, too difficult, too fucked up. but at the same time i'm afraid that someone will want to love me. what if that happens? i don't want to burden people like that. i'm psycho, so everyone should just stay away. but i want to have a real family so badly.

you should just stay away. without you, none of me would have happened. now i'm just one big disaster, and it's all your fault. how am i supposed to deal? i'm trying so hard to get away from the mindset that everything's too difficult. that's dangerous. stop sending me down there. it's very dangerous.

but i'm strong right? t is strong. STRONG I SAY! haha. and calm. very calm. must be very calm. breathe. calm. 

looking back at my entries, i shoulda saw it coming.
all the things i couldn't say. i had no heart to say them.
*sigh* why is this so hard.
yet i don't want things back the way they were. then, they were easier on him, n harder on me. now it's easier on me. perhaps it's harder on him. i don't know. but it won't be in the end. perhaps he doesn't know it yet.

i wonder if he still comes here. i wonder if he knows, everything i wrote.
in a way this is my fault, for never saying anything.
but i did, i tried! many times. didn't work.
perhaps i'd laid down from the beginning. and so easily walked over.

well if you still come here. if you still read me. i want you to know.
that i love you so much. that i wish you'd talk to me. that you're my best friend, you're the only one who knows everything, everything. you made me feel beautiful, you made me feel like i was worth something. as a friend you are worth more to me than everything in the whole world. more than anyone. everyone.
that it's just that i can't keep giving as a girlfriend while not recieving as a girlfriend. that i can continue giving just the same, but i can't deal with what i'm missing with that label on us. that you're shortchanging me, and i thought i could deal with it but i can't. not right now. (can you see me giving in already. i'm bent over backwards for you. i'm pathetic.)
but you are the one i want to want the most.

maybe it's hard to be friends.
but, heart's dearest, don't be afraid to let go.
someday, everything will fall into place. and hopefully my place
is next to you.

eternal boredom, as excellently illustrated by Neil Gaiman in Anansi Boys:

"Nothing happened. Nothing continued to happen. More Nothing. The Return of Nothing. Son of Nothing. Nothing Rides Again. Nothing and Abbott and Costello meet the Wolfman..."

and thus is illustrated why i need to get a job, or suddenly find a lot of cash to be able to hang out with the girls everyday. x)

what i want for valentine's day:
you and 99 red balloons.

and maybe i'll go buy myself clinique's happy in bloom.

someday, everything will fall into place. and hopefully my place
is next to you.
i remember that one. painful, oh very painful. i guess you know it's love when that person can rip you apart and put you back together again. at will. still, so sweet, so beautiful, so painful. i love you ny.

i haven't been here in forever. the a's were sucky, especially history. hopefully i bluffed my way to a D for econs. and lit well. just crossing my fingers here. results are in 2 months. gawd it's depressing. and then thinking about the future is so stressful! phoo. nevermind.

moving out now. to farr. that's okay i guess! trying to be all upbeat about the move since tris is so down about it. since we all are really. i love our house. this place rocks. yes, there were the awful scenes here. but i also had some really great times, like how when i was young, i loved opening all the things we had! open the ginger jars, open the peranakan baskets, gather all the knick-knacks i found n play masak masak with the brass dish n spoon and pitcher and all the other random stuff. or play masak masak upstairs with all my plastic things, and my dolls n teddies n toys. and i'd open all mummy's shoe boxes and try all her shoes on! the pretty shoes that are now with iz or in the bin. they were too big for me then, but now they're too small x( the charles jourdan one! x( and i loved to play dress-up! actually i still do that haha. and i'd do my little "art" projects. well i was left alone a lot in here. mostly it was just me during the day; my dad'd be at work or away, and my mum'd go out with her friends everyday, ladies of leisure that they were, and come back around 4 for tea n biscuits. and in the evenings from 6 to 7 i'd be cycling around with dn, rollerblading, walk ing on the monkeybar, playing hopscotch. and then during our whole harry potter faze i went over a lot to play at her house, n got into trouble everytime stayed out n didn't go back by 7. and then i had some kick ass parties here. birthday parties, when i was younger, involving the supermarket game n pass the parcel. and then my roxors new year's eve parties which were REALLY the roxors (at least i think so, no one's felt rude enough to tell me otherwise). i do throw good parties huh? one more, coming up! xD and i had movie marathons here. that spawned the whole v/e saga, that were tons fun, that made people smile. i've had tons of friends in here over the years, parties, projects, chillout sessions.. they've provided the smiles here. not so much my family. yeah, every now and then they decided to make the effort to do that family bonding crap, play poker or backgammon together, whatever. but they ended up as unpleasant as our daily meals together. and it all comes back to sadness doesn't it. phoo.

i wasn't ready to leave a few months ago, but i am now. it's time for a change, time for a new beginning. time to start over. time to be sweeter, be nicer. time to try to get along with my family, time to try and mend that. that's the hardest part. oh gosh don't cry already. dammit. deep breaths now. yes. time to be sweeter, time to be nicer. time to grow up! but not in the wrong ways. no no no. the reason i don't like most adults is that they can be so awful. i want to be a good adult. one that bridges the gap between child and adult. a healthy balance of both. notlikemyparentsnotlikemy parentsnotlikethem. lovelovelove. very important. empathy: the greatest ability god gave us. use it use it. more more more. lovelovelove.

phoo. so yes. i'm trying to be upbeat about the move. trying to be cheerful. trying to be nice to everyone. trying very hard. getting myself excited about wallpaper and paint colour and new furniture and pretty deco for my room. that's the nice thing about moving you know, all those fresh new things and a fresh new look! yellow and white. that'll be my colour scheme. that was me being upbeat and excited. yes.

still cleaning out my things though, oh i've got so much junk. everybody thinks girls like useless stuff. I HATE USELESS STUFF. people give me bottled flowers lah, clay figurines lah.. PLEASE LAH! unless it's an exceptionally beautiful piece of art work or something that actually has some very special significance, what for you give me all this stuff! why do i want a figurine that says hot chick hanging off the side of my shelf? wtf like if it was really pretty like how some christmas deco is, yeah, i'd hang it up pretty pretty right, or a very very pretty snow ball thing? but other than that. haiyah please lah. i very much dislike almost all useless ornamental stuff. ugh.

i love, however, quirky, pretty things. weird crap like bob, my robot earring. and my green kitten heels, with the french style flap thing and the green button in the centre. and i wear a lot of plastic! i heart glossy clear acrylic stuff in bold colour. at the flea market i saw three identical bangles in red, blue and yellow, and i HAD to buy all three. but cost me $5 only so didn't cost my bangle collection anything really. i heart bangles. oh i love bangles so much! not so much a bracelet person, unless i'm wearing it together with a collection of bangles, boho style. but other than that, i don't like bracelets so much, maybe they just look odd on me because my wrist is so tiny. funky bangles i like! and my pretty plastic ring. oh i love bright plastic jewelry. and i like beads! beads are fun. i love wearing fun stuff. and i love fun quirky shoes! everyone buys those shoes that they think are so pretty from urs or charles n keith or whatever but WHYYYY. why buy them unless they're quirky and fun! unless it's a very special pair of strappy heels, for what? everybody has strappy heels, and you prolly have a pair or two at home too right. which reminds me, i need a pair of black heels. just been refusing to buy any because they're all nothing great at the mo. i hope one day to have a large enough collection of both quirky and classic pieces of everything, and become a little style mama. yes, because not many people can pull off high cuts and cardigans. x)

and i want to be a mama! ny and i went to mass at novena this morning, and we saw so many babies! and the 2 cutest ones we saw were chindian babies so there haha. the one sitting in front of us looked like tweety bird! haha so cute lah! and he was clinging to his mother and looking at her and caressing her and everything, and i was thinking to myself i want my own baby to hold too! to love, to kiss, to make good! oh i want baby! and i shall, in 7 or 8 years' time. a baby for me! my very own child. x)

oh and i hope everything goes according to plan and it turns out great. yessssssssssss. i am SUCH a little rockstarr. yay.

Golly Sandra!
You've grown up really crazy...
Have I been too denying of you?

Golly Sandra!
You've grown up so crazy....
Have I been too untrusting?

Take me down to the bridge
Where you know that I've always loved you
And i'll go there without stopping

Oh you are my scar
And that's not really far

Well I guess I have should have been around to sing you to sleep
You look so beautiful...
It hurts me slightly

Oh you know I've tried so hard for you.

i keep forgetting that you're not my boyfriend. i keep expecting all these things of you, to be comfortable with me, to take me seriously, to actually bother to go out of your way to be gentlemanly, to take me out, to realise that i'm there. i keep forgetting not to be such a sucker for you.

i want a REAL boyfriend.

and you! what kind of fucked up father are you? i HATE YOU! i hate you. i hate your guts. i hate how you treat me. i hate how you treat my brother. and i hate how you treat my mother. what, have you had too much to drink, did you not take your pills today? no fucking condition justifies anything. and trying to curry my favour and win me over from my mum isn't gonna make me love you any more. nothing you do can ever EVER erase all the things you've put us through. DON'T take your shit out on us. FUCK YOU.

i want to run away, God. i want You to take me away, i can't live here. if only i had anywhere else to go. but home is nowhere.

keep right on to the end of the road,
keep right on to the end.
tho' the way be long let your heart be strong,
keep right on round the bend.

tho' you're tired and weary, still journey on,
'til you come to that happy abode
where all you love, you've been dreaming of,
will be there at the end of the road.

i don't know how to make you happy
that's what you wanted to hear, isn't it? that
i'm sorry.

but now is not the time to say "i've had enough."
i will tide you through.

i know you're afraid to lose me.
i wish i could say, "you won't."

may today there be peace within.
may you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
may you not forget the infinite possibilites that are born of faith.
may you use those gifts that you have recieved, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
may you be content knowing you are a child of God.
let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
it is there for each and every one of us.

i'm never giving up for you, babe.

_________________________ ________________________

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond 
any experience,your eyes have their silence: 
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me, 
or which i cannot touch because they are too near 
 
your slightest look will easily unclose me 
though i have closed myself as fingers, 
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens 
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)he  r first rose 
 
or if your wish be to close me, i and 
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly, 
as when the heart of this flower imagines 
the snow carefully everywhere descending; 
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals 
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture 
compels me with the color of its countries, 
rendering death and forever with each breathing 
 
(i do not know what it is about you that closes 
and opens;only something in me understands 
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses) 
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

yes, it matters.
because i love you
more than you can imagine.

ohmygosh weekends are always SO unproductive.

help help help! i can't study!

i can't wait for monday, nish n i are meeting in school at 8 once all the j1s have gone to class, have our mcdonalds breakfast and START SOME REAL WORK. i can't wait i can't wait

and

steffi has the hots for answers boy. ooohh! haha

is this really true? 

a few reasons why guys like girls...
    1. They will always smell good even if its just shampoo
    & nbsp;  2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder
    & nbsp;  3. How cute they look when they sleep
    & nbsp;  4. the ease in which they fit into our arms
    & nbsp;  5. the way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world
    & nbsp;  6. How cute they are when they eat
    & nbsp;  7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end makes it all worth while
    & nbsp;  8. because they are always warm even when its minus 30 out side
    & nbsp;  9. the way they look good no matter what they wear
    & nbsp;  10. the way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth
    & nbsp;  11. How cute they are when they argue
    & nbsp;  12. the way her hand always finds yours
    & nbsp;  13. the way they smile
    & nbsp;  14. the way you feel when you see their name on the call ID after you just had a big fight
    & nbsp;  15. The way she says "lets not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later you will be arguing about something
    & nbsp;  16. the way they kiss when you do something nice for them
    & nbsp;  17. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you'
    & nbsp;  18. Actually ... ! ! ju! ! st the way they kiss you...
    & nbsp;  19. the way they fall into your arms when they cry
    & nbsp;  20. then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly
    & nbsp;  21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt
    & nbsp;  22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt . (even though we don't admit it)!
    & nbsp;  23. the way they say "I miss you"

the boytwin added me on friendster. i am now officially a cute boy. and he an ugly girl. unfortunately for him. works out lovely for me though, doesn't it?

today in the it hub, mk, ana, x and i were slacking around. somehow they got round to talking bout ch and how she looks like a cat. so me, i immediately made the connection between charlene and cat and slinky kinky catwoman thing, and started shouting about how x wanted . so then it came to who we want . it was rather my fault really. but it was rather funny. bose came in half way n heard everything. oh dear.

xiao'an said charlene, then van ann, then jean yong

i said n first (of course) and then j. it's something in his "mister successful" air, i'm quite sure. couldn't think of another. although i some people did come quite close, but then i decided i didn't really want to have sex with any of them.

mk said he'd have to ask his mama. and then sop, from last year.

a refused to comment. rarh.

also

i was real happy today. because MM got enlisted (not civil defence etc). okay no. it was more because the army uniform is way more a turn on than civil defence uniforms, and, well, it's kinky.  it is! there's something about that uniform, and tan arms from the sleeves, and the scent of sweat and everything. it's just so man. and that's really hot. *yes*

iz n i went for a jog at 5 before i left for 89quetra. we ran round n round for bout 20 mins, and it felt so good! i was quite alert after that. first time running in MONTHS. twas great. we shall do it again on thursday. hen hao. bagus.

sleepytime.

geez. i didn't know i was such a lovesick sucker. okay i knew. but i'm not gonna be anymore. today is the last day. so i'm gonna record down here what  then mattered so much, and then delete everything.

goodnight. i'll pray for you okay. pray for me too.

hey baby i just wanna tell you i love you and that yr the sweetest girl i've ever known and if there's someone who trusts me enough to share her life with me then i'm glad it's you. one step at a time but we will get there, i have faigh in us and i love you and i'm forever yours. i'm willing to open up to you too. sweet dreams dear, i love you.

i won't ever let you go! i promise. do you promise me the same thing?

sweetheart i love you! i hope you know that. you're my sunshine angel, who always makes my day brighter no matter how gloomy it gets. you're the best, i love you.

hey babe, don't apologise it's really not your fault. let's just work on this together, we'll get stronger. we're a good couple, and i love you.

iloveyouiloveyouiloveyoui loveyouiloveyouiloveyou..

no, you shouldn't have to wait. i'm gonna change right now. i'm gonna treat you like a princess now. i promised you that before and i'm holding my word because i love you and you deserve the best. i promise darling. i love you sweetheart.

and all the messages telling me to study, and work hard, and encouragement, and all that.

delete delete delete. stab stab stab. die heart, die.

and i'm going to pretend you never sent that last one.

how i wish it were all just blank space now.

again, from urbandictionary.com

FRUITY:

"Fruity" has a precise meaning, but is difficult to define. Loosely speaking, the word refers to something which is cheerfully and perkily saccharine, naïve, generic, corny, banal, innocuous, un-self-consciously dippy, sexually neutered (or, conversely, having perverse subtexts), or just plain dumb - and is amusing because of it. Dorkiness which doesn't even know that it's dorky, but celebrates its own dorkiness anyway: that which is flamboyantly and happily retarded.

i guess that's me x(

from urbandictionary.com

VEENA:

While the history of this word is quite a mystery, its defintion has always stayed consistant. This term refers to a person that doesn't realize what a princess she really is, when its soo appearant to everyone else that meets her.

now, i'm gonna name my daughter that.

i've been feeling very lonely these days.
even in crowds of people at parties
even with close friends over dinner
even with best friends like y o u
always alone.

"in futurity i prophetic see"
both you and i, together, i sweet eternity.
for i am as a flower and you are as the sun;
then after rain shall our love bear fruit, life's prize will have i won.

i'm really bad at this. i hate feeling lonely.
i hate being without you.
the closest i got to company lately was on the bus home, from sjn's, with j.
geez, i'm not even close to j. i wanted him to be you.

but i've got nothing to say anymore. to anyone. to you. nothing to give.

maybe it's hard, to be friends.
but, heart's dearest, don't be afraid to let go.
someday, everything will fall into place. and hopefully my place
is next to you.

i've got to get out of this sometime this century.
and you will too, my love, i promise.

anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn't he danced his did

Women and men (both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn't they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain

children guessed (but only a few
and down the forgot as up they grew
autumn winter summer spring)
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow and stir by still
anyone's any was all to her

someones married their everyones
laughed their cryings and did their dance
(sleep wake hope and then) they
said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk burried them side by side
little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
lwish by spirit and if by yes

Women and men (both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain

i hate fighting.
stop fighting. please.
please stop fighting..
STOP IT.
shut up SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!

STOP fighting and LISTEN.

don't you know the world needs you to be happy?